She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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