You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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