So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
