according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
