Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
