Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
