My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
