i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We just shotgunned beers for America
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize