Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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