I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
