How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm bleeding and have questions
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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