He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she told me i tasted like america
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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