i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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