I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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