So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
