Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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