Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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