Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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