you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
