I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
