I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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