i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
