Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
