Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
