I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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