I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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