i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
