My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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