You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
