the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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