sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize