So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
