Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
