i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize