I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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