I think i peed on brittanys purse
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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