Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize