GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
