He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
