I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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