I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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