I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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