Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
