If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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