Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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