Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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