If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
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