He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize