So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Someone stole a lamp last night.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
