I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
