i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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