why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Randomize
