sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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