spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize