nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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