Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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