That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
