I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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