Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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