i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
