please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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